if my grave was shallow
could I really feel the rain
because I have stood beneath the water
feeling nothing
while crystallized beads
pound a skin protecting
from that pain

and the question is…..
feeling nothing
how do you plan a life to live
with the days that are left
this numbness
it always keeps me safe
there is a long road ahead
with no more lives to give
or hearts to open

I have been told
love heals all wounds
unless love becomes
too afraid to find out

the bleeding that pulses
to the skin
feels, crucial
like a dying soldier
starring at the stars
in a sky -
that no longer brings dreams
in a land -
he does not know
in a war
he may not win

love was never meant to be war

the body begins to plead for
this numbness
to feel no pain
even if no joy is left

the mind searches for
a specific peace
that only silence brings
these days

a silence from
rushed romances
built around desires
that only exist
because of the loneliness
that we all somehow fear

to be alone
is so frightening
because we may have to
actually learn about ourselves
realizing what we really need
wondering why we always
want so much

in silence
there eventually becomes
nothing
as you move beyond
the numbness
that you wanted so badly

at nothing you still find
God
and there is love

in silence
I learn to love
to truly love

with selfless ambition
and the joy
of another one’s delight
with understanding
that everything takes time
with forgiveness
for anything that may seem
unfair and unjust
with hope, joy
and the faith that a future can exist
because love does not fail

someday I will look for that silence
so I can learn
those lessons

but today
I lay down
beside my pad and pen
one more night

talking with them
about how I truly feel
they always seem to listen
to understand
they always seem
actually care

tomorrow
I will continue
to preach
about love
how to love
reading the words I wrote
just the night before

feeling confused about
where I stand
because I have
embraced numbness
for so many idle thoughts
I no longer know
if I am alone anymore

but I do know
I am afraid

of silence